Review: The Ranch Hudson Valley, spa review

Why go?

If you ask the people who swear by the Malibu programme and its results, go at least in part because you’ve heard it’s a good place to lose weight. But be warned, this East Coast iteration of the hallowed Malibu wellness programme is not as effective in this department, something which they state plainly on the welcome tour. Watch as the faces of your fellow travellers skew variously indignant, pissed, and crestfallen when they tell you this. But be deterred not. The shorter duration of this programme, which is the reason weight loss cannot be expected to pay such dividends as out west (where programmes spill over a week), is not only extremely pleasant but also more than effective enough to carry new behaviours home with you. Afterwards, you might not want to drink. Cigarettes may disgust you. Some semblance of discipline may have found its way into your system by way of the early morning wake ups, sumptuously clean eating, and happy exercise. You will leave with the tools.

What’s the backstory?

The original Ranch is a working ranch in Malibu, established in 2010 by husband-wife team Alex and Sue Glasscock. That programme has a six-night, seven-day minimum stay that’s turned a discrete and diverse crowd – the uber-wealthy, wellness aficionados making their big splurge, everyone in-between – into dedicated Ranchers. The arrival of an East Coast entry has been long-awaited, not just because it makes the programme more accessible to half of this country as well as the entire continent of Europe but also because a new, East Coast iteration of a programme and property that lives and dies by its deeply ingrained sense of place up in the Santa Monica Mountains would surely be a sight to behold. Not to mention offer some kind of statement on the ever-roiling battle for coastal superiority.

What’s the wellness concept?

That commitment to extreme fitness and dietary regimentation will operate first as a full-blown, hardcore reset and second as foundation building for a long and healthy life of changed ways. To learn how to make the choices that will make you happy, you first have to cede the right to make choices at all – your life, really, stops being in your hands. That temporary reprieve from any semblance of control is relaxing, if you can believe it. There’s the wake-up call, 5.30am – around then, each guest wakes to the gentle ping of Tibetan chimes rung just outside their door, a sound which does not stop until said guest assures the overnight staffer that they are awake. There’s the guided stretch at 6, and breakfast shortly thereafter (in a happy departure from the Malibu and Italy programmes, black coffee with an option of homemade almond milk is allowed at this meal – this is the East Coast) and by 7.30am you’ve been spirited to a nearby trail to kill the next four or so hours on the trails so that, by noon, you’ve cold plunged, showered, and sat yourself down to lunch. The activity ceases not here – one hour of prescribed downtime is followed by four of optional yoga and fitness classes and at least one mandatory massage plus other treatments a la carte. At 5.30pm comes dinner, and most are in bed by 7.30pm to do it all again tomorrow.

Food intake is key here – you’re kept at 1,400 calories, or the amount of calories the average person burns during a day at rest (the chef at this location is as amenable as he is creative, and will more than happily slip you something extra that he’s experimenting with if you’re peckish, as those stacking programmes have learned and whisper freely.) It’s entirely plant-based (i.e. vegan) and very delicious – in fact, some people moan half-sadly that they don’t quite feel as “deprived” as they did in Malibu, because many of the guests indeed have been to Malibu at least once. Breakfast is heavy on the fruit and coconut water, with avocado toast making an occasional appearance, while lunch and dinner are anyone’s guess – favourites include a cauliflower crust pizza with cashew cheese as well as a nice zucchini ravioli. All you can count on is a skirting of cooking oil and complex carbohydrates to keep that calorie count low and delectable bites despite that.

What are the signature treatments?

In light of the programme’s yielding less immediate results by way of weight loss when compared to The Ranch Malibu, one of the first things guests do here – at some assigned time in the afternoon of their first full day, to be precise – is to go a round in the Bod Pod. This white, egg-shaped capsule seals shut with a hiss, by which point its victim (clad only in a swim cap and a swimsuit, although nobody will be getting wet) sits on the smooth ledge within. Pressurised air is then shot at the person inside from all directions, and before a few minutes are up the door has swung open again and the facilitator walks you through your results – body fat percentage, ideal daily load of calories, and so on – before giving you a souvenir in the form of a printout. This novel excursion, along with the daily allotment of one hour to a full-body massage (“The massages are not meant to be pleasant. They are for muscle recovery,” it is said, and just said it is said it is true) are the two treatments that come complimentary, with further additives catering explicitly to the mind and soul as well as the body such as reiki, myofascial chiropractic treatment (excellent), and an energy reading available à la carte.

Which therapist should I book?

Coming here means ceding most all control, and that includes with regard to who will be massaging you – each of my four days is blessed by a different masseuse, each as good as the last.

What makes it different?

From the Ranch Malibu? Coffee in the morning. Buggier trails punctuated unpredictably by knotted roots. Mesh mosquito nets handed out and pulled over heads to protect from the former. Consistent reminders to look where you’re stepping at least as much as you’re enjoying the verdant nature are the best that can be done for the latter, as well perhaps as the purchase and packing of some hiking boots (boots, they are called, for their high tops and, therefore, ankle support.)

From other wellness retreats? The regimentation, the fabulous food, the social aspect of sharing meals and bits and pieces of the four-hour hike with fellow Ranchers. It’s profoundly communal living if you allow it to be, where you might find yourself struggling to get over the hump of the hike’s third hour one second and blissfully distracted the next by some good chat. On the opposite side of the same coin, the potential for solitude and silence is there in spades and can be obtained merely by setting your own pace and adjusting it to avoid people.

There’s also the sheer fabulosity of the Nancy Meyers-inflected manor, a place where you pretend to live full-time and the place where you rest. Time spent resting here is as key as the time spent working and pushing yourself – if you’ve brought a book to fill the empty hours you may be surprised by how little of it you’ve read come the programme’s close. This is not because you’re on your phone, an activity that is frowned upon but not banned outright, but because the book will in all likelihood hit your chest with a thud as you doze off into a post-lunch nap or gaze contentedly out at your surroundings. Taking it all in, for a moment, there’s the wood-panelled workout room with great paned windows on one end, a massive fireplace on the other, and ornate plaster carvings overhead. There’s the grand living room with another side of that fireplace blocked in by plush sofas and the adjacent dining room with its long table and stone underfoot and calamondin trees catching the light. On the table in the parlour, there’s an ornate and burnished wooden box with deluxe edition of Monopoly contained within, and up the stairs and throughout the property’s three stories there’s den after den in which to tuck yourself away.

Anything else to mention?

Do not be devastated by the shorter run of the programme: you can stack your stays here. There’s the three-night stay from Monday afternoon to Thursday morning and the four-night stay from Thursday afternoon to Monday morning. Put one after another and another after another so long as your budget and The Ranch’s vacancy allow and finish with a duration that exceeds that of the programme in Malibu.

Final word

If you need a reset, this can be it. But it’s never that simple – you won’t necessarily leave forever changed (because such a result is, frankly, not possible on an opt-in basis) so much as you’ll leave on your way there, with the capacity to change and the developing discipline to execute.